Three Steps To Normalize Asking For Help
Last week, I posted a poll asking folk, "which is harder to say- I love you, I need help, or I apologize." Surprisingly, 100% of the voters stated " I need help". If you grew up in a God-fearing home you may be familiar with the scripture, "I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth (Psalm 121:1-2)." If you have a relationship with God then you should receive a lot of solace in knowing that He will never forsake you. However, asking folks for advice or help, in any form, can still be challenging.
There are three main steps to help people, especially Black people, get better with asking for help. These steps will help formulate a clear objective around what it is that you really need. Then your approach to obtaining that goal will be more fruitful.
STEP ONE: Identify the Consciousness
Back in the day, W. E. B. Du Bois coined the term "double-consciousness". It stemmed from an article he wrote in 1897 that later turned into a book in 1903, "Souls of Black Folk". The Du Boisian conception is about "two-ness" or the double life that Black Folks live in. Being our true selves while simultaneously being conscious of the version of ourselves that is viewed and perceived by the world we live in. It's an internal conflict that we've struggled with for centuries. Why is this important to recognize when finding the gumption to ask for help?
Well, first it helps you categorize your needs. For example, is this a work-related issue, social issue, race issue, or personal issue that you need help with? Once you classified your need(s) then your mind should be clear enough to recognize where your help should come from. Experience constantly teaches us that there are 'different strokes for different folks'. Everyone can't help with everything. Don't be so desperate that you ask any and everyone. Don't allow a vulnerable moment to take you through a downward spiral through a world of hell. Make sure who you're asking is in a position to propel you back to your true self.
STEP TWO: Create the Necessary Framework
Whatever you do should be done with intent. As my momma would say, "God doesn't bless any mess. He blesses whats done in decency and in order". After you've categorized the type of help you need and the type of person who can help you then you need to create the opportunity.
Consider the timing of your request (the person's schedule, mindset, time of day, etc.)
Make it clear how you've tried to help yourself
Choose the appropriate method of inquiry (personally I wouldn't text your need for help. Talk face to face, FaceTime, or make sure the opportunity that you're creating is intimate enough where they can sense your energy and sincerity)
Don't beat around the bush (be as clear and direct as possible)
Give help (putting yourself in a position to give help as much as you ask for it will make people more receptive to support your needs while making it easier for you to ask)
STEP THREE: Get Ahead of It
As an educator, I'm serious about the language students use. I don't allow students to say "I can't do it". I remind them to replace that notion with, " I need help" then I challenge them to take their time in asking what it is that they feel they need from me. I do the same thing with my daughter. The more we normalize this request the more we shift the paradigm.